Open Goal Magazine

-20	What times does the yachting start on EuroSport?
-10	Mark Lawrenson and some gaffer tape
0	It's as good and bad as we'd expected/hoped/feared
+10	Single European currency? What a great idea
+20	"Mother, we've sold up and moved to the Swiss province of Doppleschwand. Please feed the kids."

Welcome to the Open Goal 'Swiss Cheese Euro Swingometer', your daily guide to the ins and outs of Euro 2008. Each day our team of pundits will inform you of every game while, at the same time, dispelling or proving the theory that most Brits hold: that the tournament will be a load of tosh and a waste of time without us involved.

Here's how it works:

- Each day our OG pundits will preview the forthcoming action, filling your heads with gripping pre-match footy fodder, before letting rip a 'Hysteria Hunch' - basically a glorified prediction of how good (or bad) the game will be.
- The following day, over a strong coffee, we'll surmise how the match really rated, thus giving us a Vorderman-esque '+' or '-' score which will be added to the overall Swiss Cheese Swingometer. Job done.

So, we might not be out there on the pitch but we'll be there in spirit, casting our typically (negative) British opinions over all the action. Who knows, by the end of the whole thing we might have just saved ourselves a whole heap of time and effort. Big Brother anyone?


THE GAMES Click on each match to view our previews and predictions.

EURO 2008 FINAL - SUNDAY 29th JUNE 2008

Euro 2008 Final Sunday, 7.45pm Germany v Spain PREDICTION FULL FINAL REACTION
FINAL RATING: By the very narrowest of margins, by such a fragment of a whisker that you might only really be permitted to call it a 'whis', the Euro 2008 tournament can hereby officially be declared better than we expected ... a success! We thought it would be a complete wash-out and a waste of time - it wasn't. We feared it would be rather average - it was. But our deep and meaningful research concludes that we sat through it and we bloody well enjoyed it - particularly the crowd shots at the Sweden matches, naturally. Congratulations to those cheeky Spaniards and commiserations to the Germans on a hard fought finale (though I doubt many of us would be too thrilled if they had won) Lets hope we actually get a kick of the ball next time round! You can read our full analysis of the tournament in today's Open Goal Diary entry. YODEL RESULT: 6 (Prediction was 6) so we are level, leaving us with a final Swingometer rating of...+1!!


THURSDAY 26th JUNE 2008

Semi-Final 7.45pm Russia v Spain PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Who was that idiot on Open Goal talking up the Russians' chances of beating Spain last night? Ahem. In the end it was pretty plain sailing for Cesc and co, and if they can repeat their second-half showing on Sunday, few would bet against Spain finally breaking the Euro hoodoo. YODEL RESULT: 7 (Prediction was 6) so we're one up.


WEDNESDAY 25th JUNE 2008

Semi-Final 7.45pm Germany v Turkey PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Well, the Turks were ultimately hoisted by their own petards. Just when it seemed they'd slid another 'Get out of jail free' card .. don't touch the ink it's still wet .. into the game of Euro 2008 monopoly, Germany hit them with a thoroughly conclusive and wonderfully undeserved winner. It brought to an end a game that mingled excitement with mass frustration, with a thunder storm knocking out both picture and sound for long periods (although everyone knows it was actually Gary Lineker tripping over a loose cable in the BBC studio). YODEL RESULT: 8 (Prediction was 5) so we're three up


SUNDAY 22nd JUNE 2008

Quarter-Final 7.45pm Spain v Italy PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: I hold my hands up. Woe is me, naivety is I. I stupidly thought that Spain v Italy would pulsate around a tense heartbeat of continental flare; a curtain of technical football draped elegantly in all of the sporting power and passion of these two great and proud nations. Instead, it was a turgid procession of competitive caginess, a bout so light in commitment it reminded me of being 17 again. Penalties mildly aroused by then many a beaten TV spectator's soul, and even Motty and Lawrenson were nodding off by the end. We can only hope the Swiss Cheese Euro Swingometer recovers from this setback with only three matches to go. YODEL RESULT: 4 (Prediction was 8) so we're 4 yodels down.


SATURDAY 21st JUNE 2008

Quarter-Final 7.45pm Holland v Russia PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: I can only liken Holland to that guy at uni who was so delighted to have finally left home and joined adulthood that, on the first night of term he was necking flaming sambucas within ten minutes of arriving at the Student Union. An hour in, he'd be pretty incoherent, and within a further thirty minutes would be swimming in a pool of his own chilli sauce. Holland have done likewise, tearing up all in their path in the Group stages before realising that the tournament is less a sprint and more of a slow crawl (with a late spurt at the end, in the case of Turkey). So in much the same way as Argentina two years ago, all of the hype came to nothing. Instead we're left applauding yet again the comparative unknowns of the Russian team, who will really begin believing now after a hugely entertaining night in Basel. (Incidentally, if our McClaren masterminded 3-0 defeat of the Russians at Wembley looked acceptable before, it looks bloody outstanding now.) YODEL RESULT: 9 (Prediction was 7) so we're 2 yodels up.


FRIDAY 20th JUNE 2008

Quarter-Final 7.45pm Croatia v Turkey PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: So it has been a long week. I've been burning not only the ends of the candle, but some side portions as well. The missus has retired injured after a media afternoon on the pop, and as the turgid nothingness of Croatia v Turkey sweeps over me I've having real trouble staying awake. The last thing I remember was half-time in extra-time, then *bang, it's the BBC News. Bugger. I'm told that what I slept through was pretty good stuff, but late goals and a penalty shoot-out shouldn't really cloak what was otherwise pretty numbing goalless, sleep-inducing fodder. YODEL RESULT:* 5 (Prediction was 7) so we're 2 yodels down.


THURSDAY 19th JUNE 2008

Quarter-Final 7.45pm Portugal v Germany PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Funny how big games can bring out the best in footballers but the worst in commentators. At one point last night I was on the phone to the switchboard at the Basel stadium demanding to be put through to Tyldesley and Pleat to offer my own personal insight into why Ballack's goal shouldn't have stood. I was ready to wave a pair of imaginary spectacles down the phone at them whilst explaining that two hands in the band of a defender generally constitutes a foul. I've got no problem with Ballack doing it (although Scolari and Ferreira might have a few words to say at Chelsea pre-season training) but the fact that ITV's foremost orators missed the incident entirely despite the benefit of more replays than that infamous Arsenal v Leeds FA Cup tie back in the early 90s, beggared belief. Anyway, once my blood pressure settled back down, I was left to surmise a night of classic footy fun, and I hope you did too, dear Open Goalers of the world. YODEL RESULT: 8 (prediction was 8) so we're level.


WEDNESDAY 18th JUNE 2008

Group D 7.45pm Russia v Sweden PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: I'll be honest with you, I only caught the last half-an-hour of this game, but my God, more chances than I can care to remember, which must be lots. As per usual for my telly football watching, none of those chances actually ended up in goals, but by then Russia were comfortably through and those Swedish lasses were tottering home. YODEL RESULT: 7 (prediction was 8) so we're one down.

Group D 7.45pm Spain v Greece PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Spain and late goals. There's something in this you know. They must have the Man United 92/93 season video. Nothing to play for in this encounter but decent entertainment nonetheless. YODEL RESULT: 6 (prediction was 5) so we're one up


TUESDAY 17th JUNE 2008

Group C 7.45pm Holland v Romania PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: So we're sat in the boozer, and Si asks why it is we've seen so little of Klaas-Jan Huntelaar in the tournament this year. What followed was a typically childish discourse over the exact pronounciation .. Hunt, Hoont, Hernt, Uunt .. I could go on .. but the point is, within three minutes there was the big Dutchman banging one in off a clog. Past that it was all pretty predictable stuff for the Netherlands. YODEL RESULT: 6 (Prediction was 8), so we're 2 yodels down.

Group C 7.45pm Italy v France PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: When predicting this game last night I forgot to factor in one crucial thing - just how bad the French were. I mean, at least they made it to the tournament, but I'd rather have a day off work, than show up for a presentation and fluff my lines like an Apprentice contestant. Entertaining Euro fodder though a little too easy for the Italians. YODEL RESULT: 7 (Prediction was 8), so we're 1 yodel down.


MONDAY 16th JUNE 2008

Group B 7.45pm Austria v Germany PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Typically efficient German performances against an Austrian side more toothless than Tommy Mattinson, the recent crowned UK Gurning Champion who did so delight the Queen when they met in Whitehaven last week. YODEL RESULT: 4 (Prediction was 6), so we're 2 yodels down.

Group B 7.45pm Croatia v Poland PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Pedestrian for the most part, but tinged with the frightning realisation that even Croatia reserves are pretty handy. YODEL RESULT: 4 (Prediction was 6), so we're 2 yodels down.


SUNDAY 15th JUNE 2008

Group A 7.45pm Portugal v Switzerland & Sweden v Spain PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: e paired up both matches for the Open Goal Swiss Cheese Euro Swingometer yesterday, and that was probably the only serious common denominator between the two games. Portugal v Switzerland had goals but was for the most part the non-event that we all expected, but Czech Republic v Turkey was a match so sumptuously good, so spectacularly incredible that you may as well admit defeat now if you think it will be bettered for the rest of the tournament. Classic footy fodder, winners and losers side-by-side, pride and passion in abundance, and 22 men more sweaty than even Lee Evans at the Hammersmith Apollo. A mighty 9/10 for this classic affair, which gave us a Yodel result of 13/20. YODEL RESULT: 13/20 (Prediction was 12) so we're 1 yodel up.


SATURDAY 14th JUNE 2008

Group D 5pm Sweden v Spain PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Not quite the football showmanship of Spain’s opening encounter against the Russians, but a gripping finale and another night on the town for David Villa’s agent. YODEL RESULT: 6 (Prediction was 6) so we’re level.

Group D 7.45pm Greece v Russia PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Hilarious to see the Greeks begin with a tight 5-3-2 formation and end the game with a thoroughly reckless 3-1-6. Remind me of under-12s playing days when everyone used to chase after the ball irrespective of positioning, tactics, or the despair of our manager, Fat Larry. YODEL RESULT: 5 (Prediction was 5) so we’re level.


FRIDAY 13th JUNE 2008

Group C 5pm Italy v Romania PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: A cracking encounter in an embarrassingly small ground. Buffon's late save means that a team can potentially qualify from the Group with just two points. Footy, and stats. That's what I'm talking about. YODEL RESULT: 8 (prediction was 5) so we're 3 yodels up

Group C 7.45pm Netherlands v France PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: A corker! This was so far in the realms of fantasy football I was expected Baddiel and Skinner to come on as subs. Who needs England when you've got free-flowing attacking action as good as this? And the French got a tonking too! YODEL RESULT: 9 (prediction was 7) so we're 2 yodels up.


THURSDAY 12th JUNE 2008

Group B 5pm Croatia vs. Germany PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Bilic for England. That earing may make him look like one of the day drinkers that sits in the park opposite Morrisons, but man can he get a team to perform. Entertaining stuff and some nice goal celebrations from the former West Ham legend. YODEL RESULT: 8 (prediction was 8), so we're level.

Group B 7.45pm Austria vs Poland PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: A 38-year old scoring in the European Championships? Get out. A decent finish to the game but the sight of angry Poles in the chicken takeaway was wholly unnecessary. YODEL RESULT: 5 (prediction was 3), so we're 2 yodels up.


WEDNESDAY 11th JUNE 2008

Group A 5pm Portugal v Czech Republic PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: So Big Phil's off to Chelsea, eh? Not that they need it, but that may well give his players even more of an incentive to take the Euro crown, and although this wasn't a classic, it had some decent goalmouth action. YODEL RESULT: 7 (prediction was 6) so we're 1 yodel up.

Group A 7.45pm Switzerland v Turkey PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: We thought it to be good, only because of the expectation of the Swiss and the Turks kicking seven shades out each other again. Instead, the real entertainment was provided by the elements, and the incredulous half-time comments of Alan Hansen who countered the thoughts of every other TV viewer by ridiculously proclaiming: "Let's hope the weather clears up in the second-half." Fool. YODEL RESULT: 8 (prediction was 7) so we're 1 yodel up.


TUESDAY 10th JUNE 2008

Group D 5pm Spain v Russia PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Great footy fodder. Panache, guile, fervour, and the competition's first hat-trick. Hasn't David Villa got lovely sideboards, too? YODEL RESULT: 9 (prediction was 7) so we're 2 yodels up.

Group D 7.45pm. Greece v Sweden PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: For a while I was buying into Greece's resilient rearguard action, but soon enough the boredom set it. Great goal from Ibrahimovic, everyone's least-favourite Swede (after Ulrika Jonsson), which was the highlight of an otherwise turgid affair. YODEL RESULT: 4 (prediction was 4) so we're level .


MONDAY 9th JUNE 2008

Group C 5pm. France v Romania PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: I slipped into a mild boredom-induced coma after about 40 minutes of this match, though I am told it was very very bad indeed. YODEL RESULT: 3 (prediction was 7) so we're 4 yodels down

Group C 7.45pm. Netherlands v Italy PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: This was more like it. Flowing football, goalmouth action, and even a fleeting appearance from my favourite player Antonio Cassano, who still hasn't lived down falling on his arse after kicking over some water bottles during Euro 2004. YODEL RESULT: 9 (prediction was 7) so we're 2 yodels up


SUNDAY 8th JUNE 2008

Group B 5pm. Austria v Croatia PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Croatia looked less than shiny without Eduardo da Silva, while I've seen more quality and atmosphere in Atherstone than I witnessed in Austria. No .. really. Somehow I don't think the homeworks are going to be lighting many fireworks over the coming weeks. YODEL RESULT: 3 (prediction was 4) so we're 1 yodel down.

Group B 7.45pm. Germany v Poland PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Mildly entertaining not least for Poland's rank inability to defend. I'm also pretty relieved that their 2-0 defeat means the West London Eastern European fraternity won't be sounding horns and shouting old Jersey Dudek songs this week. YODEL RESULT: 4 (prediction was 4) so we're level on yodels.


SATURDAY 7th JUNE 2008

Group A 5pm Switzerland vs. Czech Republic PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: Stinkier than a bit of old stilton. All the fanfare and fuss was predictably for nothing, nada, rien, diddly-squat. I was reassured when we were presented with a gift of a goal, and totally relieved and the blessing of the final whistle. YODEL RESULT: 3 (prediction was 5) so we're 2 yodels down.

Group A 7.45pm Portugal vs. Turkey PREDICTION
FINAL RATING: A drab first-half kicked itself into life for a second-period that had so much woodwork in it for a while I thought I was back in GCSE 'Craft Design and Technology'. A coupla decent goals and an impressive Ronaldo mullet meant this was better than expected. YODEL RESULT: 6 (prediction was 5) so we're 1 yodel up.