No need for toys to come sailing out of the pram about the state of house prices Jonathan. You've played for four clubs in as many years, so there should be a few sweet signing-on fees lurking in your bank account.

But, Open Goal’s always keen to help a shit-thick footballer out of a sticky predicament, so after a few seconds of research we've found a palatial apartment ready for you to move straight into.

At only £200,000, the full details of the property are a bit sketchy, but it's above a grocers and next door to a branch of William Hill, so you'll have no worries if you've been bitten by the gambling bug like so many other players.

The flat is a short walk away from White Hart Lane so you'll be able to mingle with your adoring fans on the way to the ground on match days in a quaint, 1970's stylee.

All yours for just three and half week's wages. Bargain. Don't mention it.

And don't forget our finder's fee. 25% of the asking price should cover it. You thick sod.

<<back to diary home