So, the fact that he has achieved this - being, as he is, firmly stationed as the channel's no.1 soccer mouthpiece - is made all the more baffling by his curious use of words such as 'delicious' and 'sumptuous'.

While the Liverpool v Chelsea clash tonight may hold all the drama and excitement to enthrall a television watching audience of over 100 million people, it's also the point where Tyldesley hits his tedious best.

All of those pointless Group matches were mere dress rehearsals for a discharge of deviant diatribe that is so cringeworthy it rivals even Mark Lawrenson for its ability to make me reach instantly for the mute button.

Therefore, I am stationing myself outside Anfield after tonight's game proposing to reward a departing Clive for every non-fussball violation with a face full of last night's leftover mutton stew (it's the least 'delicious' thing the wife has cooked in a long time).

You wouldn't hear Jamie Oliver using words like 'net-buster' and 'goalline clearance', so why does ITV's premier orator seem to think he's doing the late shift at Wimpy?

Hopefully the nasal Northerner will take on board my comments after our confrontation. And as he'll see, he might have had a lucky escape, as I'm saving the undigested remains for his partner-in-crime David Pleat.

How sumptuous ..

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