The inevitable has happened. Within minutes of stepping on to the plastic Russian pitch, England’s mask-faced Captain Fantastic John Terry locked his knee and is now OUT of this afternoon’s crunch qualifying tie. The slippery Soviets have succeeded in their mission to nobble our leader with their shady artificial surface and our qualifying hopes now hang by the slenderest of threads.

We urge FIFA to inspect this pitch thoroughly at the first instant, checking it for any KGB DNA, which would surely prove foul play beyond any reasonable doubt. God knows what else is embedded in the pitch – broken glass? Poisonous gas jets? Quicksand?
What’s that? Locked knees can occur on any type of surface? Oh. And yes, I do realise that both teams will have to play on the pitch of death, but surely the Russians will know the areas to avoid!

What do you mean, ‘hysterical knee-jerk over-reaction?’ Don’t say knee-jerk!

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