Open Goal Magazine

EURO 2008 SWISS CHEESE SWINGOMETER
SWINGS NO MORE... MONDAY 30th JUNE 2008


That's it. Finished. Game over. Life returns to normal, hours follow minutes, and we're all lumbering round just a wee smidgen more intelligent and resourceful than we were before. Open Goal has smothered its greasy paws over three weeks of Euro action, predicting, assessing and musing over every minute of every game in order to accomplish quite the most important national research of a generation. Namely: 'With no British teams taking part, would the Euros for us island nations be a complete and utter washout?' People hardly spoke about the tournament leading up to it, many forgot what football was altogether, and some even contemplated watching Eastenders again, but as time progressed even the most hardened xenophobe became attracted to this slick brand of continental soccer, where Russians' names became almost pronounceable, and managers resisted the temptation to shelter themselves under umbrellas even in matches that featured aquaplaning footballers. And all this was reflected in the Open Goal Swiss Cheese Euro Swingometer, a piece of fromage-based virtual reality that shaped the nation's Euro thoughts in a way stinkier and more profound than even Neville Southall's shorts.
Incredibly, after predicting 31 matches involving 16 teams, our various pundits were within a whisker of the money. The Spain v Germany Final last night clocked up an Open Goal Yodel rating of 6/10, which allowed us to conclude: Total Open Goal yodel predictions: 182 Actual Euro 2008 yodels: 183 Conclusion: By the very narrowest of margins, by such a fragment of a whisker that you might only really be permitted to call it a 'whis', by the width of a lick of paint on the roof of UEFA headquarters so thin that Platini has forgotten to include in his next European football constitution, the Euro 2008 tournament can hereby officially be declared better than we expected ... a success! We thought it would be a complete wash-out and a waste of time - it wasn't. We feared it would be rather average - it was. But our deep and meaningful research concludes that we sat through it and we bloody well enjoyed it - particularly the crowd shots at the Sweden matches, naturally. We have had multiple requests to publish our findings in the popular press, but I think some things are best left locked away in the vaults of footy fandom. We know what we have got here, and it's going to remain untouched by the greasy mittens of those who could publish it and make us millions, or alternatively rip it apart and show it up to be the sham that it was. Open Goal hereby thanks sincerely all guest pundits who have laid on the line their time, energy and senses of humour. You can still catch all of the archived research in the Euro Swingometer section of the website, with previews and results of every game written in our loose and marginally incontinent style. And for all those who have requested a similarly time-consuming, brain-aching and relationship-ruining feature for the start of the new Premier League season .. forget it!
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