It's the opening day of the European Championships! Whoop whoop!

The waiting is over, the long countdown has timed out, and this is it, three weeks of some of the most keenly-contested football you'll find in the month of June, played out by international sides crammed with over-hyped, arrogant, non-English speaking footballers with unpronounceable names.

Of course, I slag off the Euros but I disguise very poorly the insane jealousy that is sweeping every sinue of my conscience being. What I wouldn't give to be a fan who could harbour some real and genuine investment in events in Austria and Switzerland over the coming weeks.

Yeah yeah, I may have got that certificate through from those Deed Poll people this morning confirming my new name is Jean-Pierre Gonzalez Korneyev Van Technik, but who am I kidding?

Anyway, remember to keep track of all the Euro movements via Open Goal's 'Swiss Cheese Euro Swingometer', a piece digital of technology literally light years behind the times, but don't bank on much opening night excitement boys and girls.

My mate 'Tight Barry' gives more away than teams in action on the opening night of the Euros. Only once in the last seven tournaments have the host nation scored twice or more in the showcase curtain-up fixture, and that was by Belgium in 2000, so that hardly counts.

That documentary on Indonesian molluscs over on National Geographic may not be such a bad shout after all...

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