Open Goal Magazine

3 THINGS FOR BECKS TO DO DURING HIS
SIX MONTHS OFF -MONDAY 22ND OCTOBER 2007

Now that his tin-pot plastic-bollocks ‘soccer’ project has gone completely tits-up, glass-ankled diva Dave Beckham finds himself six months away from any real competitive MLS action. Still, that’s what you get for hanging around with a complete knob like Tim Lovejoy.

We’ve had a head-scratching session and come up with a few things Mr. Posh can do to amuse himself until the footy starts again.

1: SPICE GIRLS MAKE-UP CO-ORDINATOR
The ten-legged Girl Power machine is about to turbo-uplift its sagging breasts and plough its way around Earth again over the next few months, and that’ll mean there’ll be one hell of a lot of MILF beauty products to be hauled across the globe. Spice wife Becks is no stranger to the world of personal grooming so who else could be better suited to the job? Imagine being in charge of Geri Haliwell’s daily facials – what a task!
2: REBUILDING CALIFORNIA The Sunshine State is looking somewhat charred today after the blitzkrieg of forest fires that have scorched its golden plains over the last 24 hours.
The US government can make amends for turning its back on the poverty-stricken black citizens of New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina by pulling out all the stops to re-house displaced superstars like Olivia Newton-John and Dick Van Dyke. As he’s got a voice like a chimney sweep, we assume that Becks grew up in a world of hardship, and he could provide invaluable advice to celebs who don’t know the correct way to survive on stagnant puddle water and insects.
3: SINGING FOR HIS SUPPER
Our editor Richie said this – “I have a vision. A single recorded with his shit-voiced, spanner-faced wife and their son Romeo on drums. They call themselves Romeo & Duet. Singing without any electronic enhancement, the vocals are so bad, that they're considered a salient post-modern deconstruction of the pop industry. The lyrics "You’re so swell, let me lick your bell" are explained by Becks as meaning he just likes bells, 'cos they remind him of playtime at school; the last place where he was truly happy.”

Then, after he’d said all of that, Richie went to the bog.

<<back to diary home