Has midfield wizard Frank Lampard been show up to be the victim of some less-than-slick soccer sorcery as the latest round of transfer rumours magic their way into my Inbox this morning?

Lamps had agent Steve Kutner positively Merlin with displeasure having apparently told new boss Phil Scolari that he intended to stay at Stamford Bridge. Now either there are some language barriers between Frank and the heavily moustached Brazilian, or someone is leaving their options open, since no sooner had the club announced that the playmaker was staying, did the former West Ham man bodily remove toys from pram and confront head honcho Peter Kenyon.

Surely it can't be all that difficult? If I'm down my local, Finnegan's Wake, tonight and I tell my mates I'm offski and head to the door, neither they nor I would expect me to rock up again ten minutes later carrying an assortment of alcoholic beverages and bar snacks.

What makes it all the more bizarre is that Inter Milan appear convinced that they can land Lampard for less than a Seth Johnson transfer fee. Okay, he only has a year left on his contract, but if they're going to get him for anything South of £10million I'm tempted to pitch in myself and parade him around the Sunday league pitches of West London offering out his services on an individual match-by-match basis.

And if that doesn't work, he'll at least be able to demonstrate to the wife that when it comes to professional life-changing decisions involving loyalty and potential new employers, I'm not the only geezer in the world who can't decide what he's doing from one day to the next ..

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